hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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