hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
