Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
