my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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