I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
wanna go halves on a baby?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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