I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
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my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
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I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app