how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
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"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.