how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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