I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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