I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
