i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
why do cheetos always look like penises
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
