apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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