Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
