either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
