we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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