This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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