i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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