I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
