i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
