Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
