Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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