I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
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