i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
