I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
