Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
