Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize