he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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