I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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