You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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