Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
