Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
