I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
