First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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