I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
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Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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