We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
