I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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