If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize