remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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