i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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