I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
