My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
