Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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