His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
do nipples grow back?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
