is your mom at the bar?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
