I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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