oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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