She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh god it's open bar.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
