She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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