Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
