I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
