they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
