I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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