As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
