Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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