I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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