Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
