I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
