Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
