Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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