i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
